This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
