I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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