6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
