How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
