I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize