Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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