I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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