I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
