Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
