Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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