nut hugger
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
