Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Everyone says I win the strip club
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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