i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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