I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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