she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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