i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
