Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
