the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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