This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
