He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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