My sheets look like a crime scene.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
