By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize