You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
