I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize