halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
