White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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