I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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