you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize