Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
