New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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