I want to have your abortion
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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