I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
