she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
there is glitter all over my balls
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