I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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