Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need water and some morals
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