Do you still have your period?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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