recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize