New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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