Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
