I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
