Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
