Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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