I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
