can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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