You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
