I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
