He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
