on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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