meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
