remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
