Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She told me I should be a condom model.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
