Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
