if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize