Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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