I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
