So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
