My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
