That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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