He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
