we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
