Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
