he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
