well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
