: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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