he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
