living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
