i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Even the bartender felt bad for me
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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