I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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